This page was posted on April Fool’s Day 2022
DEPARTING
APRIL 1, 2023
Ever find yourself aboard the JoCo Cruise wishing it would never end? Well, have we got the trip for you… JoCoPiercer™, the ultra-luxury rail excursion of a lifetime that vou will not be allowed to forget.
SEE…
the vast frozen expanse of one of the most inhospitable environments imaginable.
TASTE…
an exotic assortment of preparations that will sustain you.
ENJOY..
knowing that your efforts will help perpetuate humanity.
ITINERARY
The Arctic Circle. All of it, circumnavigated, multiple times.
DEPARTURE
April 1, 2023
RETURN
April 30, 2023—or when Jonathan says so.
PASSENGERS REQUIRED
2,000 or so will probably do.
JOCOPIERCER™ DESTINATIONS
DAY 1
SNOW
Enjoy the beautiful, pristine, blindingly white landscape as it speeds by!
DAY 7
OTHER SNOW
Take in the breathtaking majesty of a never ending expanse of wintry desolation!
DAY 15
MORE SNOW!
EVERY day is a snow day on JoCoPiercer!
DAY 23
OTHER OTHER SNOW
Hot chocolate and Wang Wangs make the vast wasteland a vast TASTELAND!
DAY 30
STILL MORE SNOW! WHO KNEW?
Sure as the sun will rise, there will be snow.
FREEZINGLY ASKED QUESTIONS
What kind of accommodations are available?
You will be assigned the finest personal space for your body, where it can recuperate after the day’s activities. Such as shuffleboard. Yes…shuffleboard. And a buffet.
Do you also have “fancy” accommodations?
JoCoPiercer™ does have options for attendees who own their own railcars (see B.Y.O.T.C. below). Contact us to learn about hookup specifications, catering options, and JoCoCare™ services we offer to help keep your rolling home away from home in tip-top shape.
JoCoCare™ LuxuryMax Accomodations
What kind of performances will be held aboard JoCoPiercer™?
William Shakespeare once said “All the world’s a stage,” to which Canadian rock trio Rush added “and we are merely players, performers and portrayers.” We mention that for no reason. The performances will ROCK SO HARD.
What kind of “shore excursions” will there be?
You will see so, so many things. Close your eyes and think of a thing you would like to see or do if you were on a train that stopped. Guess what? That’s where we’re going.
Will there be theme days?
Of course. Some of them will include:
- Onboard Foraging Day
- Jammies Day
- Snow Day
- Piercing Day
I dunno. It seems kinda dangerous.
Relax. The only thing going off the rails is the ongoing party that is JoCoPiercer™.
Will they place a chocolate on my pillow every night?
Sure, yeah. You’ll get…candy.
Hang on: are you just telling me what I want to hear?
Not at all! Unless you wanted to hear that JoCoPiercer™ will be the voyage of a lifetime that will cure your ills, restore your faith in humanity, and set your stuff on fire.
Good; that’s a relief.
Yes, yes it is. JoCoPiercer™ is a completely normal ultra-luxury train holiday experience that endlessly hurtles through a frozen wasteland. Book it. NOW.
B.Y.O.T.C.
Bring Your Own Train Car
Have discerning taste or specific needs that our train car accommodations won’t fully satisfy? Bring along your own train car! Or simply fabricate or customize your own. Just make sure to have it transported to our departure site.
JoCoPiercer™ is not responsible for poorly insulated train cars
THE FINE PRINT
JoCoPiercer™ can not and will not guarantee, assure, or work towards the personal safety, well-being, or general happiness of anyone, at any time. JoCoPiercer™ attendees, crew and stowaways may experience avalanches, derailments, lumpy bunks, lack of food and potable water, insurrection, cabin fever, existential dread, déjà vu, justified paranoia, and frequent bouts of The Mondays. All questions and comments during the event should be submitted via THO’s new Incinerator Express Delivery system. JoCoPiercer™ will not be held liable for any injury or other harm caused by either the improper or proper use of the incinerators. Caveat emptor, ipso facto, deus ex machina, lorem ipsum dolor, quid lucrum istic mihi est, post hoc ergo propter hoc, audentes fortuna iuvat, dulce est desipere in loco.
